A Mother's Prayer

This afternoon I have been thinking about Polar Cub as I clean. In my heart I know that she is waiting on the other side of the world. I logged onto iT*nes to start playing some music. In the recommendations was a song "A Mother's Prayer" by Carn*e W*lson and J*m Br*ckman. The short 30 second preview had me in tears. It is so close to my prayer for Polar Cub that I say every night.

I cannot get over the timing of this song being in my recommendations and my thoughts I have been having all day. It is so ironic to me because the only thing I have purchased lately is Bon Jov*'s new album. So why is this song in my recommendations?

I searched for Carnie's version on YouT*be, but couldn't find it, I did find this clip and again I was floored because it is so close to my prayer.

May God grant you peace in the midst of a storm.

May God give you strength when you are forlorn.

May the light that's within you shine like the stars.

... May angels surround you...

As you rest in God's care, I will rest too

knowing that Jesus is watching over you..

Lord bless our baby and let her heart know love.

Please keep her from feeling fear and alone.

Amen

Thanksgiving Feasting Begins

Today Big Bear's family is having their Thanksgiving celebration. My mother-in-law plans it this way so that everyone can be there, and then on Thanksgiving we don't have to eat two meals. Also this way Big Bear and I can head north to Chicago for Thanksgiving with my brothers and not worry about how to divide the time.

This morning I was up early. Why is it on school days it kills me to hear the alarm at 4:15, but now that I'm off I wake up without it at 4:13? Anyway, I got up and made my first pumpkin pie of the season. I usually make a couple of pies over the Thanksgiving holiday, but this year we have reservations for dinner so I won't be making pies. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that yet. This will be the first year since I have been baking the pies for Thanksgiving that I won't be baking a pecan pie.

Hmmmmmmm... Hadn't thought about that one.

Nevertheless, I am looking forward to spending the week with family. I wish I could say with confidence that this will absolutely, positively be the last Thanksgiving without Polar Cub, but after last week nothing is certain. I will continue to hope, dream, and pray that she'll be here next year to eat her first piece of pumpkin pie!

Just Because...

...there is nothing better than the giggles of a kiddo to brighten the day! This is Big Bear and our niece, Miss B.

Thank you EVERYONE who has emailed, sent a text and commented. Today is much better. As someone in the April LID group said, "Time to put the big girl panties back on and carry on!" That is just what I plan to do.

Thanks again! The support you all offer is always amazing. I couldn't do this without you!

Enough Already!

· The Olympics
· Not enough babies to fill needs
· Increase in domestic adoptions
· Scandals
· Too few internationally approved SWIs
· Swine Flu
· New policy changes for adopting parents
· Large numbers of waiting dossiers
· Not enough workers at CC@@
· New Director

These are just a few of the possible reasons that have floated around in the adoption community over the last several years as to why it is taking so long for referrals. I am sure there are more reasons out there that I have forgotten.

Today we can add a new ‘reason’ to the list. There is a new director at CC@@ and he is unable to sign off on anything until the transitions are made. Needless to say there will be no referrals for the month of November.

Over the last few years I have tried to be very careful with what I post in regards to our wait. I have not wanted to ‘upset the apple cart’ while we are waiting, but good Lord! How much are we supposed to take? How long do I continue to bury my head and take it while our lives are on hold? EVERY time I start to feel that things are moving forward I get slapped back down, and it seems slapped down harder each time. Why don’t they understand that they are dealing with peoples’ lives? How long must we sit on the sidelines waiting to get in the game? Why are we always watching from a distance with a smile on our face, as we continue to wait.

This emotional roller coaster is Hell. It is torture. Just a few months ago we thought we had a chance at a December referral, January at the latest. Now we have this rumor that there will not be any referrals for November. This is the second month CC@@ has skipped in the last three months. No explanation, no concerns for others, just suck it up and deal with it.

Of course that’s is what I’ll do, again. I’ll suck it up and wait because:
· it will happen when it’s supposed to happen
· it won’t be that much longer
· everything happens for a reason
· be patient a little while longer
· I can’t stress about what I can’t change.
If you think I am being sarcastic here, you’re right! I am so sick and tired of hearing these phrases. I understand people don’t know what to say. Hell, I don’t know what to say to others. I feel horrible for the people who are closer than we are. It is even worse for them.

Today the tears are flowing and I’m pissed. Tomorrow will be a new day and life in waiting will continue.

Winter Meltdown

The ‘Winter Meltdown’ has begun. Two weeks ago I signed up for a program at the YMCA. There are 50 people who will be competing to lose the highest percentage of weight. For the next seven weeks I will be working hard to melt some of me away. Last night was the first meeting and my fitness test. I was pinpricked for a couple of blood tests, weighed, and a before picture was taken. The evening went quickly. It was tough, but I learned quite a bit.

The requirements are to attend a minimum of one cardio and one toning class at the Y. There will be a meeting every Monday night. We will also weigh-in on Mondays. If you miss a class you must pay a dollar, and for every pound you gain you will pay a dollar. At the end the person with the highest percentage of weight lost will receive the money.

The fitness test wasn’t too awful. I did complete it, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to finish. For the first tests I had to do push-ups and crunches. I had to do as many as I could in one minute. Then I had to walk/run 1.5 miles. This girl doesn’t run. I never have, I don’t enjoy it ~ No, I HATE it. I envy people who can run, I wish I could run, but it just isn’t my thing. I was very thankful when they said we could walk or run. Over the next seven weeks I need to improve in all three tests.

The most interesting comment made last night was how they deliberately chose this time of year to start this program. Gina, one of the trainers, stated that the average person will sit down and eat 3,000 calories in a single holiday meal. That sure makes me stop and think!

I got up this morning and went for a walk and free weights. I have healthy meals planned, so I am set. This week is going to be the most challenging for me, I think. Once I get into the routine of it all it will be easy, until then Big Bear may be living with a grouchy polar bear.

Miss B & Miss C

Our nieces, Miss C and Miss B, came for a short visit yesterday with my mother-in-law. It’s always fun to see the girls.

After the girls left there was a conversation in the car about Polar Cub. My mother-in-law, Nanan, told us the story this morning, and I just have to share. A little background note, Miss C is seven and Miss B is four, she’ll be five in December.

Miss B said, “Nanan, we are going to have to take the baby to your house to teach it English. I just don’t think I can speak Spanish.”

“Miss B the baby will be Chinese, not Spanish,” Nanan stated, after she stopped laughing .

“Ooooooo!” Miss B says, “I really don’t know how to speak Chinese.”

Miss C comes to the rescue when she says, “She will be just a baby B, she won’t even know how to talk!”

It still makes me laugh! Love Those Girls!!!

Miss B ~ Halloween 2009

Wait & Weight

Two of my least favorite words are wait and weight. Isn’t it funny these two homophones can cause such frustration, anxiety, and down right ANGER?

It is quite obvious why wait is a trouble word, being that we have been waiting for China to call for nearly four years. Secondly, if you know me or read my old blog then you know that the second weight is also a bone of contention for me. It is a battle that I have been waging ALL of my life, and one that I am sure will continue for the rest of my days.

It is said that there are underlying issue when a person battles with weight. Sure, I guess I could blame stress at work, stress of the adoption, family and friends, or even food manufacturers, but come on ~ REALLY!?! I’m a big girl. I don’t feel the need to blame anyone but myself.

Calories in ~ calories out, I know the formula. It is just a matter of following that formula and sticking to it. There is my problem, STICKING to it! When I am regimented and strict with working out and with my diet I have no problem seeing the pounds fall off. I just can’t seem to find the middle ground. If I’m not working my ass off, I’m not working it at all. I get lazy. I enjoy sleeping past four in the morning. I enjoy eating. I enjoy spending the evening with my husband making dinner and watching a movie or TV.

When I am in the ‘healthy mode’ something happens, I can’t explain it, but it is as if a switch is turned on and I’m ready to ‘get healthy’ again. I start working out and eating better. Everything seems to click. Then I will stumble and the switch is turned off. Before I know it, the pounds are creeping back. I am stuck in this sad, never ending cycle.

The switch has been off for a while, and I am waiting for it to click back on. I have the most important reason in the world to want/need to get healthy but I just can’t get into it this time ~ no matter how hard I try.

I have absolutely NO desire to be a fat mom. I am already going to be a ‘mature’ mom. I want to be a healthy mom who can and will do anything with my girl. I want to be around for a long, long time. I need to find that damn switch, but it seems so far out of reach.

Last week a coworker forwarded an email that she received from the YMCA. The Y is going to have a ‘Winter Meltdown’. It sounds like it is going to be a version of The Biggest Loser. It is open to people who would like to lose 20 or more pounds. There will be special cardio and toning classes, private weigh-ins, and incentives given for highest percentage of weight lost.

At first I was so excited. This sounded like it was EXACTLY what I needed to do to flip on my switch again. I tend to be a little competitive (cough, cough), and not doing something to the best of my ability is not my nature. I was excited when I first read the email. I made myself seriously think about it for 24 hours before rushing over to sign-up.

The next day I did stop into the Y afterschool to sign up. As I was walking back to my car I thought, “What the Hell did you just do?” I began to think, ‘what if I am the only person who has more than 21 pounds to lose?’ and ‘This time of year?’ Are you crazy? We are weeks away from pumpkin pie, holiday parties, and Christmas treats. HELLO!?!?! I figured I had a week to let the dust settle and wrap my brain around all of this.

Wednesday night I received a phone call from the Y. They wanted to set up a time for a fitness test. Fitness Test????? No one said anything about a fitness test? Good Golly? Stress level rose a little higher…
To get me through this I think about the fact that hopefully not too long after the holidays are over we will be receiving our referral. I seriously do not want to be miserable traveling to China, all the while wishing I would have, should have, could have done something about my weight. I know I won’t be where I want to be before we travel, but I will have a head start.

This program will be a good thing, as long as I am not the ONLY one with more than 20pounds to lose. It will keep me motivated even when I really want that piece of pecan pie. I’ll share a piece of pie with Polar Cub next Thanksgiving.

Monday is the first meeting and my fitness test (Oy!). Hopefully this will be what finally helps me flip that bloomin’ switch. Will I bore you all if I post about it here? Part of me wants to post, but this is one of those topics I am never sure if it’s too much information. What do you think?

Time to get it in gear!